Anniversary

On Sunday....

My one year wedding anniversary....holy shit....it's been a year....

I love him more today than I did then. We have a beautiful son and a great life. We make it great anyway. My mommy is taking the boy on Saturday night so we can have some adult time. That will be nice, we don't get much of that. Woo-hoo! We won't go into that....big fun!

I love you baby....

Look at that belly......holy shit....holy baby....

The day has come...

The boy is walking....yes....9 months and he is walking. I suspect I have a lot of trouble on my hands...

Medical crap

Well folks, I am a statistic. As much as I try not to be, I am. All of this depressin type things I have been feeling the past few weeks.....it is...Post Partum Depression. It has been bad. I have been trying to ignore it, and tell myself that it is just my life that is stressful. Because it is. But it is more than that. I have lost my joy over the birth of my son. I have even lost all feeling for my husband. I have lost most feeling of any kind. I want to sleep non-stop. Of course I don't know many mothers who don't want that. But I could fall alseep anywhere. Even just sitting still. I stare blankly for hours. And most of all, my son knows that something is wrong with me. I am not my playful, singing self with him lately. There are other symptoms, but I really don't want to go into it.
I saw the doctor today, and brokedown. She gave me medication. She said it will take 7-10 days for it to really kick in. Just knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel makes me feel a little better already. She suggested that I go to therapy for a week. It is like an outpatient 9-5 thing for a week.
I love that this is coming from someone who has whatever schedule they feel like, and makes 3x the amount of money that I do. She suggested that I stop working, and that I get more sleep.....good...advice right? WTF? I think everyone wants to do that...at least everyone I know.

I can't quit my life because of this. It is just something that I am going through now, not forever. I can't stop working, I can't just stay in bed. I have responsibilities. I have a child. I thought people were supposed to be able to overcome, keep going, push on....or something. I don't know. Maybe it is just me. I am too independent to have someone tell me that.

Plus with this whole therapy thing, I would have to miss work etc...okay fine...but I don't know how comfortable I am with my employer knowing that I am mentally ill. That might put me in some category, as far as they are concerned, that I don't want to be in.

So I am taking the medication. We will se where this goes. I just don't understand how someone can say, just quit your whole life and you'll be better. Isn't that the beauty of medication, really? So you can keep going, so that people with problems can cope with their lives?

Karma work

Some of you may remember the cousin I spoke about in this post. Well, I just found out on Sunday that she has breast cancer. She is only 29. Now I don't wish this on anyone, of course. Especially in my family....My great great grandmother, my great grandmother, and my grandmother have all had it. But in her case....it has to be karma. I swear. I feel bad for anyone in this situation, but she played her cards, and now they are playing her.....

I on the other hand, am not right. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I miss my husband and my son greatly. I have been working 6 days a week, and I don't get to see them much. I wish I didn't have to work, or that I worked at a better time. I don't know. I am in a funk. It is really hard in the summer time to work second shift. I miss all the time at home at night with my family. I usually don't let things bother me like this. Maybe it is because it is the first summer I have had a baby. I don't know. But I am very depressed. I am unsure what I can do about it either. I have to work, I don't have a choice. I guess I have to win the lotto or something. I keep telling myself to buck-up and deal, but I am having a hard time.

Random blues

I am depressed. For all the same reasons anyone gets depressed I guess....money, life, work, yadda yadda yadda. I just feel like all that I do is.....nothing. I mean I go to work everyday, I take care of my family, and that is a never ending job. I am always busy. I just mean I feel like I am not going anywhere. I am not building towards something. I have the husband and the son I always wanted. Now where do I go? What do I want? What else is there? What am I to desire now? Am I going to be here in this god forsaken meat packing plant for the rest of my life, doing the same fucking thing every day forever? I don't know. Money is always an issue. But I feel that getting better now. Something is just wrong. I dont' know how to fix it. I don't talk about it anymore. I used to. But I think people think you are crazy when you talk about being depressed. Some have told me...it's all in your head...your not depressed....you can change it. Yeah ok bastards.

Hot dogboy

It is hot! It is hot in my house. I do no know the temp, but it is hot. I get sick a lot in the summer...because my house is 1000 degrees and where I work is 40 degrees. I go from one extreme to the other every day. We now have central air....that is to say we have the unit. It needs to be wired and it's cool house for me all summer...I won't know how to act...I have never lived in a house with central air....in my life!

My son likes to eat shoes....lick and knaw on stuff...he is kind of like a puppy. Now if I could teach him to go to the bathroom outside, we would be all set.

I love my husband, and I miss him. I never see him. He works days, I work nights. It sucks sometimes. A lot of times actually. But we don't have to pay for day care, that is the good part. But come Friday, I miss him. I know your crying for me....there are tears streaming down your face.