War of the Wiener Worlds

So I am supposed to NOT work today. I checked over a month ago to see how much vacation I had left at work. Cause I took more than normal this year, with Mexico, and other things. Although I get 3 weeks, it really isn't enough. Anyway, I was told I had one more day for the year. I took that day today..............well as my life would have it.........
They told me YESTERDAY that I didn't have one more day to take. I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED. Not just because I couldn't have the day off, but because I had something I was supposed to do. My mom is having a retirement party for my aunt. I was supposed to go. She was so excited that I was going to be there, because I never get to do anything with my family during the week, because I work second shift. She asked me to make some food (my special chicken wings). She also asked me to help her do some other things. I went to the store yesterday and bought all of the things to do this. Then I get to work and they tell me I can't have the day off.
It would have been different if I was just TAKING the day off, for whatever reason. But, I actually had something planned. And ORDINARILY, I would just NOT show up. But where I work they have this rule that if you don't show up on a day before or after a holiday, you don't get holiday pay. I am supposed to have Monday off, so this would mean I wouldn't get paid for Fri. or Mon. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to miss work for 2 days and not get paid. I wish this was not the case, but I am poor.
I FUCKING HATE WORKING SECOND SHIFT.
I have a good job, with good pay, and otherwise it is ok. But, this second shift thing is really killing me. I have worked there for 5 years now. It is hard to imagine working somewhere else. I don't really have a reason to leave, other than the second shift thing. I need to plot against the guy on first shift, to get him fired........this is the only plan I can come up with. It is not like I can just switch either. I work in a meat packing plant. I work in the shipping dept. It is not like the rest of the plant. You know ........you hear people say "do you know what hotdogs are made of? I used to work in a meat packing plant and .........blah blah blah..... Well, for the most part, it is fucking disgusting. I could not do that at all!
I call it "wiener World". And it is another world. People reeking of hotdogs and ham. Chunks of meat flying everywhere. Blood and guts. No thanks.
My part of the plant is all packaged product on pallets. None of that slimy nastiness. Other people switch jobs within the plant. They go from dept. to dept., depending on the shift or whatever they want. I just cannot handle anything in that place, but what I do. I have it pretty easy, and I can't see giving that up. Plus, there are not a lot of GOOD jobs to be found anyway, not just here, but anywhere.
So I am pissed. It really sucks, because I have a whole 4 weeks more of vacation just 3 days away, and they can't let me have this one day...........arrrrghh.

Well, I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years......... And don't make any of those "new years resolutions" that are impossible to achieve. I hate when people do that.

My new years resolution.....try to keep my clothes picked up........yeah, there.....I should be able to handle that. And if not, well........I won't be too disappointed.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HNT

You could look at MY LAST HNT POST, I think that was my favorite. But, I don't really have one that sticks out as a really good one. You could go HERE and let me know what your favorite is...
So..... Mr. Perfect thinks it's funny to take pictures of my butt while I am doing things....
This is one of me leaning over the bathtub .........
And I never know when he takes them. I just find them when I am getting the rest of the pictures off of the camera. What am I supposed to do with these pictures? I am not sure I need a bunch of pictures of my own ass. So before I delete it, here you go. I should have save the dozen or so that I had and made a series....geez.

Christmas madness

Christmas was great. It was a lot of work, but it was great. First we had to....

Give the kid a bath........ chase her around the house, with her "Christmas dress" that she refuses to wear....







Then..........





Of course open presents at home. She loves suckers, so I got her this giant sucker.......I thought she was going to shit her pants!

Then we had to load up the car to go to Mr. Perfect's grandmas's. Load #1. We had deep fried turkey that was a Christmas miracle. The only present I needed. And we watched the kids open gifts. This was the most fun.
These 2 pictures I love......... we did the same exact thing....

We both got lotion from Grandma......we open it and smell it ourselves, and then make each other smell it....
















Then we had to load up the car from there.....load #2. And take it home. Then load up the car to go to my grandma's.....load #3.
My grandma's was fun. Really rowdy without my grandpa there. He usually kept everyone in line. But, we got kind of loud and crazy this year.

We then had to load up the car from my grandma's and take it home.....load #4. Then we had to load up all of the kid's stuff and take her home.....load #5. Then we finally got to come home and relax. For a minute. There was a moment throughout the day that I thought I was gonna lose it. The noise, the kids, the stress, the exhaustion, finally set in for a moment. I had to go outside for some alone time shortly after this picture.....
I bought Mr. Perfect some KISS pajama pants for Christmas. And he thought they would go nicely with his '97 KISS concert shirt... so he modeled them for me..


It was all in all...a wonderful Christmas. I have begun to clean up the mess, but have a long way to go. I was glad to get to spend it with Blue and her family, I love them, they are my second family. I look forward to spending many more holidays with them. Mr. Perfect bought me tools for Christmas....YEAH! I think I am the only girl who gets excited about a gift like that, but hey, that's me.

TWAT the night befor Christmas...

'Twas the night before Christmas and all was so fine.

I decided to celebrate,

With a small glass of wine.

In my hottest pajamas,

with the big red bow,

I smiled as I reached for that glass of Merlot.
I was taking a sip, when I heard the first crash.

And I thought to myself

"Those damn dogs found the trash".
I jumped from the couch,

Mumbling curses galore.

I snatched up wine,

And I raced for the door.
What I saw in the yard

In the light of moon glow,

Made me Gulp down my wine,

'Stead of sipping real slow.
My eyes full of wonder,

I surveyed the mess,

Of a hot man in red,

Who'd just come to a rest! A sled on the lawn,

Was a huge mangled heap.

What was left of the reindeer,

Made me just want to weep.
Running back to the kitchen and grabbing more wine,

I thought to myself,

Getting smashed sure sounds Fine!
Back out in the yard,

The hot man in red,

Lurched to his feet,

And eyeballed his sled.
He looked at the roof,

And shook his head sadly,

"How COULD I have miss-navigated so badly?"
The names of his reindeer,

As he looked all about,

Were not uttered fondly,

As he started to shout!
"Hey Blitzen, grab RudolphAnd rip off his nose,

I've a mess to clean up,

I need something that glows!"
By now I was gulping,

The wine just like water.

My eyes were crossing,

I was starting to totter!
Hot man turned to face me,

"Pardon all of this mess maam,

I'll deliver your presents,

And, then we will scram.

"Here's the card of my agent,

You have my assurance,

This damage is covered,

I DO have Insurance!"
As I out downed my wine,

And reached for Mylanta,

It hit my fogged brain,

That, this hot man was Santa!
He lugged out a sack,

Slung it onto his back,

Came t'wards the front door,

And, eyes wide, I stepped back.
As he placed the gifts carefully,

Under the tree,

The wine kicked in hard and I smiled with glee.
"Hey! Santa!" I said,

"Share a glass of good cheer!"

He looked at the wine,

Then looked at me,

What a night this will be!
The lights on the tree,

Made a beautiful glow,

As he touched all the right places,

And, made me ready to go!
Then, right there,

in front of the tree,

He crammed me with goodies,

Filling every part of me!
Then reaching for the wine,

He took a long sip,

Saying he needed it,

And bit his upper lip!
He went to the yard,

And jumped in his sled,

His smile was Joyous,

'Cause I had given him head!

He shook the reins smartly,

As he called out my name.

His joy overwhelming,

When he saw,

I felt no shame!
He said "Merry Christmas!"

As he left Christmas Eve,

he shouted and started to sing!

I now do believe,

In all the "man in red" has to bring!

Will I see him again?

I just don't know,

But, guess what you will see Dec. 24, 06.....

Waiting in the snow......

MERRY CHRISTMAHANNAQWANZIKUH!

C.F.WagenerChristmas 2002

HNT!

I know.......no HNT, but I couldn't resist.............

Twat the night before Christmas....

boring

Got the last Christmas present today. WOOHOO! That shit is done!

I love Mr. Perfect for a variety of reasons.......The number one reason today that I love him......HE FUCKING VACCUMS AND MOPS!

How could you not love a man that does this?

My dog has seizures.......and sometimes when he does this he unrinates...yeah I know...sick. Anyway...he did this the other day, and Mr. Perfect took the bed to be washed and cleaned the floor and swept the floor and mopped! I love that he does this.

Other news........nope. Taking it day by day......boring.....yes.

Let's see what pops in my head for HNT....

dammit

I finally got some of my Christmas cards out today. I cannot do anything without a giant fucking mess. I usually make my Christmas cards......and print them myself. Well, of course........the printer is out of ink. Then....I only have 10 stamps. Mr. Perfect went and got printer cartridges for me and I got some done. Then, of course, the printer doesn't want to print right. The paper keeps getting stuck in it...which NEVER happens.....only when I REALLY WANT TO PRINT SOMETHING. I go to the post office on my way to work and there is a fucking line out the door. I hate Christmas right now. So this means I have to go tomorrow. I hate when something (anything) takes twice as long to do. Why couldn't everything just been in place for me to finish it in one day? This never happens when I do ANYTHING! The stars just don't want me to be successful at anything.

I have been under so much stress the past few weeks I am all off. I have constant headaches, backaches, stomachaches. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I am whiny....I am never all of this at once. I am usually not a complainer. I usually just ignore stuff. I can't as of late. I don't know what is happening to me. I feel like I am falling apart. Mr. Perfect does everything within his power to make me feel better, but I feel like he is doing EVERYTHING. I feel like I am not carrying my weight or something. I mean I go to work everyday, but I feel like I don't do anything else. I can't explain it. I am happy in everything. Or at least I should be. What is the problem? My grandfather's death has taken a toll on my emotionally, and still is. Money sucks, cause I don't have any of it. But, otherwise all is good. I hope it goes away soon. It could be the winter, I get this way in the winter anyway, and then all of these other things are not making it any better either. I don't know what it is exactly, but it needs to stop. I feel miserable. Emotionally and physically. I couldn't ask for anything more from Mr. Perfect. He does everything around the house, he makes me food, he always makes sure I have everything I need. Why do I feel so bad about that? Why do I feel like I am not taking care of him? I don't know.........I just need it to go away.

Friday yeah

It snowed and rained and then snowed again last night. It took me an hour to get home. It's like an adventure.......driving home.........geez. I have all of my Christmas shopping done, except for like 2-3 little things. I am proud of myself this year, I started early and got good deals on everything, and I didn't go wacko. I am so excited to see Mr. Perfect and Blue's kids on Christmas. I love it when they open their gifts. I have been buying gifts for her kids for years. I don't have any, so I go nuts on them. I can't wait. There is nothing better than a kid on Christmas. Except for me, I kind of still am, this will only be like my 10th Christmas, so I still get wacky.

Saturday is my mom and dad's 29th anniversary. We are going out for pizza and coming back here for some drinks. That should be fun. My mom is still very upset over my grandfather, as am I, and she didn't feel like doing anything really "over the top" so this should be a nice little family deal for us.

I have the worst gas today.....I can't even believe it's me........You know what I am talking about? You know it's bad when you can't even stand your own gas.........! Holy shit........vile, rotten.....wow! WTF did I eat!

Have a good weekend ya'll!

HNT

I was really half nekkid....I never noticed how pointy my nose was until I saw this picture. There is a little portion of breast.......buried in hair. The hair fell to perfectly preserve my modesty.

HHNT!

Death and birth

The memorial service is over. The pain is not. I am having trouble grasping this whole thing. I always think of him anyway, but it seems that now EVERYTHING that ever had ANYTHING to do with him is so painful. Christmas is going to be hard. We don't necessarily celebrate it, but we still are all going to go to my grandma's and he is not going to be there. We may all think that we have coped somehow with this, and 2 weeks from now we have to stare it right in the face again.

So on another note. My body does not deal with stress well. I work best under pressure, I can keep a cool head, but my body is a different story. I have been known to start my period in times of stress. I have muscle spasms in my shoulders from tensing up so much. The cold doesn't help. I am experiencing this all right now. Last week my breasts hurt so much, and I had cramping. I thought I was pregnant. I swear...seems logical. Anyway, it seems that my body just decided.......because of the stressful few weeks.........to have the worst period imaginable. Seriously, I thought I might need a blood transfusion for a minute.

But, because of the whole possible pregnancy. I took a few tests. The first one I took was almost positive, I mean it was not totally negative either........if that makes sense. I have been taking these things here and there for years, and never had even an hint of the positive line come up. So this lead me to take another, which was negative.

I have always wanted children. I especially do with Mr. Perfect. You should have seen the way he acted when he thought I might be pregnant. To the point that he cried in happiness and sadness with me. He wanted it as bad as I did. I have never had someone react like this. I fell even more in love with him, when I saw this. I kind of got used to the fact, and excited about the fact that I might be pregnant. This has been one of the only thoughts I have thought since this happened. Could it be that I am ready for this? Could it be that I have finally found the one I CHOOSE to procreate with? How strange this all is. I think I have decided I want to have a baby. It sounds weird to even type. I don't think I have really said that out loud.

I have been on birth control (pills) for 10 years. When does this change? How do you Change your mindset from "trying and hoping to god to not get pregnant".........to "trying to achieve it"? How weird this all is. And at what age did my mother change her mind that is was OK for me to have a baby now. Like at 18 it was not OK. But, at 28 it is. I am not married and all that stuff you mom wants of course. But, it seems it is ok with her now. Wow, I think I am growing up or something.

I know getting pregnant would not be a wonderful idea in any other place but my head. I mean it would be a wonderful thing, but I can't even afford to feed myself right now. We should be married first, although I know Mr. Perfect is the one I will marry, I just can help but feel all of the "responsible" things. Blue told me that you can plan your whole life, and that if you did that you would be disappointed because it didn't go as planned. This she tells ME.....whom nothing ever goes as planned. But it is good advice.

Another thing that makes me think of it a lot as I get older. Is the fact that all of my grandmothers and aunts and my mother have all had a hysterectomy at the ages of 30-32. I am going to be 28. If I don't make a decision or a move soon, it may not happen. Who knows. I just know that I can't get the thought out of my head now.........

Icy Friday

So tomorrow is the day. The memorial that I am not ready for. I am not ready to accept the fact that my grandfather is gone. I just can't seem to get it out of my mind. I cry every afternoon and every night on my way home from work. Something jogs my memory here and there and my eyes well up. His death cert. came in the mail the other day and it was wrong. His name or something was wrong or something, a minor spelling error or something. Anyway, I asked if this meant it wasn't real. That he was wasn't really gone then.....if he was going to come walking around the corner and say "gotcha" at any moment.....cause that is how it feels.

Pictures say a thousand words........ The coolest man ever.....

Wasn't he hot? I can totally see why my grandma fell for him. James dean lookin.....

When he was a drunk........totally wasted....too funny........the one in the foreground in his brother..

In the army......circa 1959-63.............

This is him and all of his brothers. It looks fake, like something that was staged or in a book somewhere........but it is real.

Him and I on our favorite ride................

And just 2 weeks ago. The last time I saw him. I love you..........

HNT

When I look at him I see the most beautiful thing in the world.
When I look into his eyes, my heart skips a beat.
I still get butterflies.
I still lose my breath.

He is everything I have ever wanted.
He is my dream come true.
At this moment, there is no one else in this world but him and I.
I cherish every piece of him.
Can you see the love and adoration in my eyes?
Can you see the cowboy hat on my knee? That's a different story!

HHNT

Random shit....

So Mr. Perfect has his crew meet him here in the morning, which is fine. But, he closes the bedroom door cause I am sleeping...which is also fine. But, he forgets to open the door again when he leaves. So this means I am locked in the bedroom with my dogs. So this means they start to "randomly bark" at 8-9 am. I hate this.

It is snowing, it won't stop snowing. I have no heat in my car.......I don't know if anyone has ever had this problem....but, I do not suggest it in Dec.

My breasts hurt........BAD! What are the first signs that you are pregnant? I just had my period 1 1/2 weeks ago. I am so emotional, mostly because of my grandpa, but it is really BAD! I also hurled my lunch yesterday. I have never SERIOUSLY thought about it, but something is going on. My body doesn't handle stress well. I was assuming this is what it was, but now I am starting to wonder. I haven't missed any pills. I have been on the pill for 10+ years. I haven't done anything different. Except more sex maybe. Guess we'll find out. I don't care what it is, I just need to know why my boobies hurt so bad.

Why does my work need a death cert. for my grandpa? This is the most morbid thing I know. I haven't even read the obit or the other.......cause I can't. And I have to bring them one.....fucking weird.

A few days later.....

I spent the weekend with my family of course. They have all been taking turns staying with my grandma. She has a hard time being alone. Things like going into the basement and having his dirty laundry down there are hard. When someone dies unexpectedly, you have all of these ordinary things that you forget about until they are gone.

I have a hard time looking at pictures and seeing his things he used most often. I can't get a grasp on the fact that he will not be using them again. I feel like someone is playing a really bad joke and he will come around the corner any minute. I have never thought of him dying. I somehow thought he would be around forever.

My family loves to joke and laugh and make fun of one another. This is the way they are dealing with things. It is funny because they will all be laughing and things....and then the joke will be over and you can cut the sorrow with a knife. But, then comes another joke. I have realized that this is what I do, in times of grief or sorrow for other people. I think this helps others, but it is not helping me right now. Even though this is the way grandpa would have been in a situation like this, I don't find too many things funny right now.

Everyone's favorite line when something like this happens is "he lived a long life, and he is in a better place"......well you know.......he may be.......but I WANT HIM HERE WITH ME NOW! It doesn't make me feel better. I shouldn't care what anyone says, because I have a hard time thinking of things to say when someone else has this happen to them too, but that is why I don't say anything. I am grateful for everyone who has tried to make me feel better, but it just isn't happening. I am no longer crying EVERY time I think about it, but maybe every other.

I can't help but feel that he will be forgotten. That no one will ever know the man I have loved and honored my entire life. The man that meant more to me than my own father, will never be known by my children or my brother's children and so forth. I will try to make sure this never happens, but I still can't believe I will never be able to bring them to see grandpa.

All of my grandparents are young. They started having families young, and so I knew all of my grandparents. Great and Great Great. I however have decided to not have children yet, so they will never know my grandparents. I have no grandfather's left.

I am having a very difficult time with this. I am glad ...........so glad......that he wanted to be cremated, because I have a problem. I cannot look at someone dead. I cannot remember them this way. When he died, he only lives a few blocks from me......my mother called and asked if I wanted to come over before they took him away. I couldn't do it. I felt like such a horrible person for not being able to. I feel like I should have, but I just couldn't. I cannot remember him like that. If I saw that, it would be the only thing I would see when I thought of him from that point on. I will not have to deal with that for the funeral, thank god........thanks gramps. But, this is still to come.......the funeral/memorial. I am not sure I am going to make it through this day. I am trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, that when I am alone, it hits me hard. I have shut down. I finally ate a meal yesterday, and it had felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks. I don't want to go to work, and I have a hard time pretty much doing anything, because EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He was such an influence on everything in my life, the way I talk, the way I think, even right down the the car I drive........because he told me to bring it over to have him fix it this week........................

Totally naked

I have an aunt who once called a tape of all of your favorite songs your "underwear tape"....the reason behind this was because when you share all of your favorite music with someone, it was like walking around in your underwear. They may like it...they may not..your favorite song could be one of the cheesiest songs known to mankind..it is like giving a piece of you to them. They may make fun of it, but it is important to you.

Today is going to be a different type of Half Nekkid Thursday for me, as I am going to share with you a piece of me. It will be like showing a piece of me naked, because I am not good with showing my emotions.

Today the most important person in my life died. Not my mother, not my father...but my grandfather. When I was a child...even still today, he made me feel like I was important. When I was a giant nuisance to everyone around, he made me feel like I could do no wrong. He taught me how to fish, he gave me my first beer.

I was the first grandchild. I was his princess. He took me pretty much every weekend from the time I can remember until I was 10-12 years old. He was raised in the mountains of West Virginia. He was a hillbilly, but he was the coolest man I have ever known. Can anyone say their grandfather had a "niggerstick"? Mine did....no he was not as awful as this would make him seem in words, but he was himself. He was not afraid of anyone or anything. He was the strongest most powerful person I have ever met. If he couldn't take you down with his stare, he would do it with his fist.

He was an evil man, he was the most gentle man on earth. He was an alcoholic to the point he almost died from it. He would take me for rides in the country...and he had a bottle under the seat. As a child I just thought this was something that "grandpa drank"....but now I know what it was. He was crazy.....he once drove my grandma's brand new car into the pond...just cause he wanted to.

All of this makes him sound like a lunatic, I know this. He was.......I ain't gonna fool ya. But, he taught me the real shit in life your parents try to keep from ya. He slowed down in his old age and wasn't such an ass, but he was still "kickn ass and takin names" at 70. When I was 13-14 he passed out at work....with an blood alcohol level of "dead". He then went into rehab, and never drank again. So I have seen 2 grandpa's out of the same man.

I am the way I am because of him. He taught me how to be tough. He taught me not to take no shit. He taught me how to throw a punch, he taught me how to arm wrestle.

It is still sinking in, and it is hard for me to process. I have no grandpa. I feel so completely tortured by the fact that the greatest man I have ever known is gone. My children will never meet him. The kind of men you read about...the crazy old bastard everyone has heard of in a story at one time or another, he was real..he was my grandpa.

My mother and my father were always busy......too busy for me. But, he never was. Even if it was just to drive around all day long and drink Slurpees...he was always there for me. He came to rescue me a couple of times. He made sure that I knew the difference between a good "chevy" car and any other "foreign crap". He made sure I knew how to change a tire, how to change my oil, how to do anything. Stuff daddy's don't want their little girls to do. My dad raised me to be self sufficient too, but not like my grandpa.

He bitched, he complained, he would be the first to tell you he was unhappy, but this was him. He could make me laugh anywhere, anytime. He once got into a fist fight at a restaurant because we had been waiting for over an hour.

He was in the military, the end of WWII. He was stationed in Germany, with Elvis Presley......oh yeah......I will never forget it, because any time that "no good son of a bitch" was on TV, I got to hear the story. The REAL story of Elvis in the military....ask me, I'll tell ya sometime. Don't ever bring anything that had to do with this man into his house...oh no.

"Get your head outta your ass".......this was one of his favorites...it fits most situations, if you think about it.

Straight and to the point. This was his way of dealing with things.

I did not get to spend as much time with him as I should have for that past couple of years.....my own problems. When looking back at it now....I should have gone to him, he would have been able to help me with them, but I kept it from him. That is one thing, I made sure I never did...my ENTIRE life...was let that man down. Whatever he said and told me to do, I did...without question. I never wanted him to be disappointed in me or angry with me, in any way. I had so much respect for this man...he told me to jump, and I said how high. I feel like I have let him down a little for not being there like I should have in the recent past....because of this I want to say.....

Dear Gramps,

Thanks for being you. Thanks for always making me feel like a princess. Thanks for giving me your sense of humor, and your filthy mouth. Thanks for all the times you took me away and made me forget. Thanks for teaching me everything you did. Thanks for telling me you loved me. Thanks for all the Slurpee's. Thanks for picking me up and telling me not to cry. Thanks for whipping my ass. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for making me laugh til I cried. Thanks for teaching me how to swim. Thanks for teaching me how to fish. Thanks for telling my mom she was being as asshole. Thanks for fixing my car. Thanks for always wanting me to sit on your lap. Thanks for showing me affection when no one else did. Thanks for ALWAYS making sure I was being good. Thanks for my addictive personality. Thanks for teaching me never to be afraid. Thanks for saving me the many times, in the pouring rain, and snow...when my car wouldn't start. Thanks for being the one I could always count on. Thanks for teaching me that being myself was okay. Thanks for showing me where I came from. Thanks for teaching me it is ok to be crazy. Thanks for teaching me all the words to every Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, Willy Nelson, George Jones song there is. I love you. I love you more than anyone. I am sorry for ever making you sad, angry, or worried. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I will not speak in the past tense....because you are still here. Everyday, everywhere I go...you are there with me. Just like you were when you were here on earth. I hope you know all of these things already. I hope I always let you know how much you meant to me. Just in case I didn't...I have put it down in words for you. There will never be anyone in my life as influential and as important as you. I hope where ever you are, there is a lot of beer.

Love
Sarah Ann "Sayhay"